my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
