so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
