I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
