woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
