my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
