Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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