There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
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