Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
