worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
