Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Randomize
