alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
