Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
