Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
