i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Randomize
