I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
