you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
