i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Randomize
