I'm gonna have a badass scar
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
