Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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