I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
