I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Randomize
