I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
