I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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