Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Randomize
