why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
