am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
