Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Randomize
