it's too hot outside to masturbate.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
She bit a glass in half.
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She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
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We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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