my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize
