dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Randomize
