none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Randomize
