So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
