I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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