Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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