His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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