M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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