She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
