fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
