I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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