I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize