Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
and she was petting her beer can
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
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My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
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My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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