he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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