At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
