nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
