You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
