i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
23 Fathers Confess The Best Way They’ve Messed With Their Daughter’s Boyfriend
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
25 Children of Helicopter Parents Admit The Most Horrible Thing They Were Put Through
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.