so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I just googled if crying burns calories
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
