did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
