The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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