How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
