Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
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