Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
