I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
