I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
