And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
