Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
