My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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