Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance