It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
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No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
25 Women On How They Let Their Oblivious Partners Know They Want To Bone
this hospital has no fireball
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway