my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Randomize
