Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
