There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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